The Loony Adventures of David and Tara
by cheri1
Summary: Part of the Something Old, Something New universe. David and Tara take a trip in the TARDIS and end up in a bizarre world where anything and everything can happen.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, this one takes a bit of explanation because it'll get bizarre after awhile. This is once again written by me and my friend Carol and it came about because we would email each other back and forth and do a bit of back and forth with Alan and the others and act silly with them and insert ourselves into the plot to make each other laugh. Well, eventually our running story ended up being about David Tennant and Tara stuck in Monty Python land and we eventually started putting them in the Wizard of Oz and Narnia and getting sillier and sillier with it so we finally decided to make what we'd been doing into a proper story and see how wacky we could get with it. So we're going to be doing this one along with our Trial story and like I said, it'll probably get very, very bizarre after awhile, so be warned.

Chapter One

Sitting at his desk, Adam looked through the files on his computer then sat back in the chair, looking at the silver frame on his desk. The hologram was of him and his friend, David, and he sighed. David had been dead for two hundred years and Adam regretted not bringing him to New Gallifrey. They met when Adam and Marion had gone to the theatre to see David in Hamlet and Adam nearly got mobbed by David's fans because they thought he was David. The security guards ushered Adam inside the theatre then took him into the dressing room and David was shocked, seeing his double standing in front of him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Adam. Adam Storm," Adam said.

"Blimey, you look just like me!"

"Yeah, I noticed that," Adam said with a smile.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?"

"Well, my wife wanted me to get your autograph while she checked with our sitter and I got ambushed by your fans."

"Ah, she watches my show then?"

"Yep," he said, nodding.

"Did you like the play?"

"Oh, yeah, you were amazing!"

"Bet she's going to flip when she finds out that you got to meet me and not her."

"I might have to sleep on the couch!" he said and David laughed. Adam handed him the program Marion wanted David to sign and David handed it back after signing it. "Now, how am I going to get out of here?"

"Tell you what, you call her and tell her that you got the autograph but had to go to the loo and will meet her out front."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Great, now, if you will excuse me, it's my turn to go get mobbed," David said and Adam nodded. He looked at the program when he saw something at the bottom of the program and realized it was David's email address. Smiling, he sat down on the couch when he took the cell phone out of his pocket and pushed the buttons.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Adam and David emailed back and forth for months and both he and Marion were shocked when David announced that he was leaving his show. Adam had set up a video connection between his computer and David's and Marion was shocked when Adam explained how they met.

"Imagine my surprise when we met," David teased.

"It was funny. Anyway, he said it was ok to connect our computers so we can talk. I was going to surprise you but, seeing that you are so..." Adam said.

"Oh no, don't tell me she's upset."

"Yep."

"Um..."

"Rose," Marion said, smiling.

"Rose, look, I'm just as upset by this as you are. But, I'm not leaving until the end of next year and have tons of stuff lined up. Tell you what, I'll make sure that you and Adam have front row seats to whatever I do in the theatre and will give you the head's up on whatever project I'm doing so you can come see me film it. You can even bring the baby. I'd love to meet her," David said.

"You sure?"

"Yep!"

"Ok," Marion said, wiping her eyes.

"Aw, don't do that, I'm going to cry."

"Sorry."

"Well, I guess I better go. Talk to you soon."

David became an honorary uncle to River and James and they would come to see him on the set or during rehearsals. James' little friends got a treat when David came to James' birthday parties and spent Christmas with them once or twice.

When Adam, Marion, James, River and Theta met the Doctor, Adam didn't want to become a Time Lord. He said that it was because of River and James but the other reason was he didn't want to lose his best friend. David was stunned when he met Theta and realized that his character was based on a real person.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It IS bigger on the inside!" David said when he walked up the ramp and looked around the control room. Adam watched while David walked around the console and looked at the rotor moving behind the glass. "Um, how is it that this control room looks exactly like…?"

"Who do you think gave them the idea? I don't know how they copied it from MY universe though," Theta said when he walked into the room and leaned on the support coral.

"Did you share things with them from the beginning?"

"Yep, well, most of it. There were some stories they thought were too scary for children so they never did them."

"You really know Sarah Jane Smith?"

"Yes, I do."

"And there really is a K-9?" David asked and Theta nodded.

"Mostly everything that ever was on the show is and was something I fought or someone I traveled with."

"You've regenerated nine times?" David asked and Theta nodded. "Wow."

""Is it ok if we took David for a short ride?" Adam asked.

"Oh, yes, I would love that!" David said, wide eyed.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, I don't know." Theta said as they gave him sad puppy dog eyes and he laughed. "Alright, we'll take just ONE trip!"

"Yes!" Adam and David said at the same time and high fived each other. Rolling his eyes, Theta walked around the consol when he started pushing buttons, flipping switches, moving levers, unlocked the hand break then walked to the main lever and looked at David.

"Do you want to do this?"

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooh yes!" David said when he ran to Theta and placed his hand on the main lever. Theta sat on the jump seat when he nodded and Adam winked at David. Taking a deep breath, David pulled the main lever and laughed when the TARDIS dematerialized.

David was thrilled when he met Adam's son, David, and was honored that Adam named his son after him. Adam brought David to see him in plays and on the set and was proud when David announced he wanted to be an actor.

"Good night, Sweet Prince." Adam had taken David to see Hamlet when he was five years old and David's eyes went wide after the sword fight.

"No, David, don't die!" he shouted, standing on the seat and the audience laughed. Marion buried her face in her hands while Adam had to stop David from running onto the stage and carried him outside. He held David in his arms while he cried then looked up to see David coming down the hallway.

"Is he ok?" David asked when he knelt down and David looked at him. Sniffing, he wrapped his tiny arms around David's neck and David hushed him, rubbing his back.

"Guess I should have taken him to see you in the rehearsal," Adam said while David nodded and rocked David.

"Awwwwww, come on now, I'm ok," David said when he moved back and David looked at the fake blood on David's fencing jacket. "This is theatre blood."

"Oh," David said softly and David ruffled his hair. Standing up, he took David's hand as they went back stage and David was surprised when David picked him up and carried him onstage. David introduced the audience to David and they did a big bow and walked offstage. David did see him in a few more plays but Adam and David always teased him about what happened that night.

Adam sighed when he looked back at the screen and clicked on the file list. He had downloaded all his stories he had written about Theta and his adventures as he looked down the list then stopped at a file he didn't recognized.

"What is this?" he asked when he opened the file and saw THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION at the top of the page. He started reading the story then noticed that the first part of the story gave detailed accounts on how he met David and what they did while he was in his universe.

"_Oi, old __smelly socks__, you ok? Your mind's racing," _Alan thought while Adam set up a privacy block and showed him what he was reading. _"Whoa, is that all true?"_

"_I don't know. I don't even remember writing this," _Adam thought.

"_Well, seeing that it's on your computer, you must have."_

"_If David were still alive, I could call him up and ask him. The sad thing is he never got to see New Gallifrey."_

"_I got an idea. Why don't you go get him?"_

"_He's dead."_

"_Then go to a time when he was alive and ask him to come with you."_

"_Well, in the summer of two thousand and nine, no one really knew for sure what he was doing."_

"_Ah, perfect, go get him!" _Alan thought as Adam thought for a few minutes and smiled.

"_Ok, let me go tell my brother what…"_

"_Why tell Old Stick in the Mud? Just go! I would if he was my friend!"_

"_You are such a bad influence on me, you know."_

"_Yep, I have ruined you!" _Alan thought then did an evil laugh and dropped the privacy block. Adam felt his mind moving away while he looked at the screen then saw something that made his eyes grow wide. On the top of the last page of the first chapter was the conversation he just had with Alan and he closed the file, turned the computer off and left the room.

San Diego, California, 2009

David walked down the sidewalk while he looked around and his hands were in his pockets. He had come to San Diego to promote his new special for his show and was surprised how the American audience reacted to it. Looking at the sky, he thought about how much fun it would have been to have Adam with him and the looks on people's faces after seeing the two of them. It was three months since Adam had moved to his brother's universe and he wondered just how much Theta's universe was like his. Sighing, he walked onward when he went down an alley then stopped when he heard a familiar noise.

"No, it can't be," he whispered when the TARDIS materialized in front of him and he walked closer, placing his hand on the wood.

"_Hello," _the TARDIS said as he smiled and patted the wood.

"Hello, can I come in?" he asked then heard the locks click then stood back. Slowly he lifted his right arm when he snapped his fingers and the doors swung open. Grinning, he ran inside then up the ramp and the doors closed behind him. "Adam?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeees?!" he asked, peeking out from the other side of the console and David ran to him, giving him a hug. Patting each other's backs, they parted and Adam scratched the back of his neck. "Guess you're glad to see me!"

"Oh, yeah, how's Rose, uh, I mean Marion?"

"She's fine and so are the kids."

"What are you doing here? I thought the rift was sealed."

"It is. I found another way in."

"What are you on about?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Then what would you say if I told you that I live on Gallifrey?"

"I'd say you have been sucking on too much artron energy," he teased and Adam laughed. David watched while Adam walked around the console, pushing buttons, flipping switches, moving levers, unlocked the hand break then walked to the main lever and looked at David.

"After you," he said when David walked closer and placed his hand on the main lever. David pulled the main lever as he smiled and the TARDIS dematerialized. After a few minutes, they felt a bump when Adam looked at the screens then walked down the ramp and David followed him. Adam looked at him then placed his hands on the door handles and opened the doors. "Welcome to New Gallifrey."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

David was flabbergasted.

"Oh my God, I can't believe we're actually on another planet!" he said.

"Yup, we are, this is my home sweet home!" Adam said. "Come on, let me show you around."

For the next couple of hours, Adam led David around, introducing him to his family and showing him some of the sights of New Gallifrey. David was completely gobsmacked and Adam laughed when his friend's head kept swiveling around as he tried to take everything in all at once. Finally, they came to the last house where Tara, Jenny, Grace and Mingxia lived.

"And this…is what we lovingly refer to as The Nunnery," Adam said. "Because four gorgeous women live here."

He knocked on the door and Tara opened it.

"Ah, case in point, my gorgeous niece, Tara. Tara, this is my friend, David."

"Pleased to meet you," she said, shaking his hand.

"Likewise."

"Come on in, I gotta go now but it was nice meeting you."

"And where are you going, young lady?" Adam said with mock sternness.

"If you must know, to Unico to see my boyfriend," she said.

"Her boyfriend's a Unic, they're unicorn people," Adam said to David.

"What? You're going to a planet of unicorn people? Can I come with you?" David said eagerly.

Tara glanced at Adam.

"Up to you, Tara, I'll hang out and talk to the Doctor while you go there and back," he said.

"Okay, you can come with me but just stay with me so you don't get lost, okay?"

"I'll stick by ya every second," David said.

"And believe me, he will too."

"Oi!" David said while he and Tara snickered.

"Okay, follow me, I'll take you to my TARDIS," she said.

"You have a TARDIS as well?" David said, following her.

David stood by the console and watched while Tara flew it. Her TARDIS resembled the Doctors with the coral supports and domed interior but the fabric of her jump seat was soft and dark purple. David watched while she handled the TARDIS by herself.

"You're an expert flyer," he noted.

She blushed.

"Thanks, my dad taught me how to do it almost from the time I became a Time Lady," she said.

Suddenly, the TARDIS lurched and David was knocked on his ass while Tara lunged into the rim of the console. She let out a grunt and held on while David rolled over and crawled back on his hands and knees.

"What's going on?" he said to her as he reached the railing and held on.

"Dunno, we're going off course and…"

They grunted when the TARDIS landed hard and powered down. Both of them were silent for a moment while they listened. Finally, Tara summoned up enough courage to move towards the door while David stood up and followed behind her. She pulled out her screwdriver, unlocked the door and motioned for David to stay back while she slowly opened it. She peeked out and looked around.

"What do you see?" David asked.

"Large green field and a forest about twenty feet away with mist all around it. Other than that, no monsters and…hold on, I see a tiny sign near the woods."

She looked all around and cautiously stepped outside. David hesitated and then followed her out.

"Are you sure we're safe?" he asked as he closed the door behind him.

"Dunno, but I've fought monsters with my dad before so I think I can protect you. Come on, let's go see what the sign says."

David nodded and they walked across the field together.

"So I take it this isn't Unico," he said.

"No, it isn't. I don't know where we are. But I'm sorta like Dad, I like not knowing," she said while David chuckled.

After two minutes, they finally reached the sign and read it.

WELCOME TO THE PLANET OF PYTHON.

"Planet of Python? Sounds scary," David said, looking around. "Does that mean it's filled with snakes?"

"I don't know but maybe we should head back to the TARDIS and find out before…"

BONG!

The ground shook when the thunderous sound of a bell ringing boomed overhead. It was followed a moment later by The Liberty Bell March by John Phillips Souza that seemed to be coming from everywhere around them.

"Wait a tick," David said. "Planet of…Python."

The song was finishing up and suddenly they saw a dark shadow all around them that was getting bigger and bigger and bigger. They look up and screamed when they saw the underside of an enormous foot plummeting towards them. Both of them ran hell for leather and just managed to get out from under it before it crashed into the ground. The seismic vibration knocked them down and they rolled over and looked at the large Terry Gilliam cartoon of the foot.

"Wait a minute, that can't be real," David said as they got to their feet. "This cannot be the planet of Monty Python and…"

"DINSDALE!"

David and Tara looked around when they heard a deep voice. They gasped when a huge cartoon hedgehog's head came up out of the forest.

"DINSDALE!" it said.

"Run!" David said, pointing to the TARDIS.

The ground began to shake and he noticed that Spiny Norman, the hedgehog, was now joined by an enormous monster Siamese cat that was walking on its hind legs. As it crushed the trees, several cars zoomed out ahead of it. David and Tara screamed as the cars leaped up and came down, trying to crush them while the cat tried to attack the killer cars.

Then just as they reached the TARDIS, the cat stomped hard and a fissure opened up underneath the time ship.

"No!" David screamed as the ship fell into the hole.

"Never mind that," Tara yelled. "Just keep running, we'll retrieve it later!"

Both of them ran as fast as they could, nearly having twin heart attacks as the cars sped past them to get away from the giant monster cat. Then the cat stomped again and another fissure opened up under it and with a cry of "MRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" it fell into the large hole. David and Tara gasped for air and looked back but Spiny Norman was nowhere to be found and everything had fallen silent. Both he and Tara collapsed on the ground, taking in mouthfuls of air. When they got their breath back, they headed on to a large hill and went up it. Just over the hill was more forest and in the distance was a large castle sitting on a very high hill.

"Come on, let's go there," Tara said.

"Are you sure that's wise?" David said to her.

"What choice do we have? I gotta get my TARDIS back."

David nodded and they walked down the hill towards the castle. When they reached the forest, they paused when they heard the sound of horse hooves approaching.

"Good, maybe we can ask these people for help," David said.

He let out a groan when five minutes later, several knights skipped out of the trees followed by dirty looking peasants banging coconuts together.

"I shoulda known," David muttered. "Oi! Oi! Wait!"

"Halt, Patsy!" the man in front said as the other knights stopped skipping and looked at David and Tara who were walking towards them. "Who art thou?"

"My name is David and this is Tara," David said to him.

"I see. I am Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the court of Camelot. Behold, my castle," he said, pointing to the castle on the hill.

"It's only a model," Patsy muttered to himself.

"Dost thou seek the Grail?" Arthur said to David and Tara.

"No," Tara said. "We're trying to get my TARDIS back."

"I do not understand. What is this TARDIS you speak of?" Arthur said.

"Well," Tara said, glancing at David, "It's a…ship."

"Hmm, I do not know of any ship around here. But come, come and join us on the quest for the Holy Grail!"

David and Tara looked up when they heard a trumpet fanfare. High in the sky were several robed angels playing the trumpets. They ended the fanfair by bending over and sticking the trumpets up their assholes, farting one long note before fading away into the clouds. David and Tara looked at the knights who seemed not to notice what had just taken place above them and were instead waiting for them to give their answer. David and Tara glanced at each other.

"We might as well," Tara said. "Maybe we can find someone who can help us retrieve the TARDIS."

David nodded.

"Okay, we'll come with you," he said to them.

"Jolly good," Arthur said. "It just so happens I have two steeds available for you. Sigmund, Basil, come!"

Two men armed with coconuts came away from the pack, walked over and got behind David and Tara.

"There, now you are astride your noble steeds. Come! We will find the Holy Grail for king and country!!!"

David and Tara glanced at each other when the knights raised their hands and skipped off. They shrugged, raised their hands and did the same as they followed them across the field towards a forest about two hundred feet on the other side of it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The trees surrounded them while Arthur led the way and the men clapped the coconuts. The men who were pretending to be Tara and David's horses had stopped for a pee break while they stood at the side of the road and David spun around, looking at the forest.

"Well, it could be worse. We could be doing the Life of Brian," he said.

"I saw that movie. It was pretty good," Tara said and he shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. So, what is your favorite sketch?"

"I like the one about the silly walks."

"Yeah, that is a classic. I like the dead parrot one."

"That one isn't that funny."

"Yes, it is."

"What about…?"

"Hail, Friends, why are you stopping?" Arthur called as he looked at them.

"Our horses are taking a piss," David said as he pointed to Sigmund and Basil. Both men were behind a tree when they wiggled up and down then walked to them and picked up the coconuts.

"Forward!" Arthur shouted when Sigmund and Basil started clapping the coconuts together and David shrugged, heading to catch up with Arthur.

Arthur led the way when they stopped and looked at the twelve foot tall knight standing in the middle of the trail.

"Oh, you have to be kidding me," David whispered and Tara looked at him.

"Who is that?" she asked when several knights appeared from behind the taller knight and David rolled his eyes.

"They're The Knights Who Say Ni!" David whispered while Arthur walked closer and the knights started saying "Ni!" over and over again. Some of the other knights were going "Peng!" while others went "Neee-wom!" and Arthur shook.

"We are in trouble," Arthur said while the knights surrounded them and he looked at David and Tara. ""Those that hear these words seldom live to tell the tale."

"Let me handle this," David said when he walked to the larger knight and tapped his stomach, making the knight look down at him. "Uh, hi, look, we REALLY need to get going. How about letting us by and we'll get you a…shrubbery!?"

The knights gasped and repeated shrubbery and the taller knight held his hand up.

"You will do this?" the taller knight asked.

"Yep!" David said, popping the "p".

"Then you may pass!" the taller knight said and stood back, allowing them to go down the road.

"That was very brave of you, Friend," Arthur said while he and Pasty rode by them and David smiled.

"So, um, what happens when we give them a shrubbery?" Tara asked.

"They ask for another one. Come on," David said and they went to catch up with Arthur.

As they approached the castle, they heard the sound of battle and stopped to watch two knights fighting near a small bridge.

"Oh, no, not the Black Knight," David whispered while the watched the Black Knight fighting the Green Knight, killing him. Arthur and Pasty moved closer while the Black Knight stood in front of the bridge and held the top of his sword in his hands.

"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons and I seek the bravest knights in the land to join my kingdom. Will you join me?" Arthur asked but the Black Knight doesn't answer.

"Oh, this is going to get bloody." David said, scrunching his face like he smelt something rotten.

"What's going to happen?" Tara asks.

"Just watch," David said, nodding his head toward the Black Knight. Sighing, Arthur and Pasty try to cross the bridge but the Black Knight moves in front of him and takes hold of his sword.

"None shall pass!" the Black Knight says.

"I have no quarrel with you, Sir Knight, but I must cross the bridge," Arthur said.

"Then you shall die."

"I command you to stand aside!"

"I move for no man!"

"So be it," Arthur said and they start fighting. A few minutes later, Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's left arm and Tara winces.

"Ugh, that's gross," she said.

"Oh, he's just getting started," David said.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary," Arthur said and Black Knight looks at the blood rolled down his armor.

"'Tis just a scratch," the Black Knight said.

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"I've had worse," the Black Knight said then they started arguing and started fighting again. Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's right arm and kneels down to pray only to get kicked by the Black Knight. "Hah! Come on, then!"

"What?" Arthur said and the Black Knight keeps kicking him. "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"

"Yes, I have."

"Look, stop that," Arthur said but the Black Knight kept kicking until Arthur cut his right leg off.

"Right, I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?"

"Come here!"

"What is he going to do? Bleed on him?" Tara asked and David softly laughed. They watch while the Black Knight bumps into Arthur until Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's left leg, leaving him as a torso on the ground.

"Oh?" the Black Knight said, looking around then at Arthur. "Alright, we'll call it a draw."

They rode off while the Black Knight yelled for them to come back and Tara looked at David who shrugged and moved to catch up with Arthur. They headed toward the castle when they came to a stone wall and Tara was stunned to see a flock of cartoon sheep with large bird wings on their backs sitting in the trees. Arthur headed for the farmer standing near the wall and David pinched his eyes closed with his fingers.

"Nononononononono," David muttered and the farmer leaned on the wall, looking at Arthur.

"Tell me, Good Farmer, how is it that your sheep are in the trees?" he asked and the farmer sighed.

"It's 'arold. He got it into his head that he's a bird and taught the others to fly," the farmer said, pointing to the large cartoon sheep sitting on the top branch. They watched as the sheep flew into the air and the farmer gasped. "'arold, come back, 'arold!" They watched the cartoon sheep flying away and dive bombed a small village.

"'arold!" the farmer shouted but the cartoon sheep kept attacking the village when a cartoon general appeared and talked on the walkie-talkie. Suddenly a large cartoon canon appeared from behind the cartoon hill and blew the large cartoon sheep out of the sky, leaving a plate of cartoon lamb chops sitting on a plate sitting on the ground.

"Ok, THAT was weird!" Tara said and David nodded. Arthur and the others started down the trail as they went to catch up with them and headed for the castle.

"Ah, there you are," Alan said while Adam walked into the living room and flopped down on the couch. "Where's David?"

"Tara took him for a ride in her TARDIS," Adam said and Alan frowned.

"Do you think that was a good idea? What if something goes wrong?"

"It already has," Adam said when he removed some paper from his leather jacket and sat up. "I took the liberty of printing the first two chapters of the story and they are now…"

He handed Alan the papers as he read them and his eyes went wide.

"Are you kidding me?!" he asked and Adam shook his head.

"Nope, they are on The Planet of…Python!"

"Wait wait wait! They really are going to have to do everything that you wrote in this story?"

"They have no choice."

"But you WROTE this! Can't you warn them or something?!"

"I don't remember writing the bloody thing so how am I supposed to warn them?!"

"Then there's no choice. We have to talk to our brothers. Maybe they can figure out what to do."

"Yep," Adam said, popping the "p" and they went to go find the Doctor and Theta.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Tim the Enchanter yawned and stretched as he got ready for another day of being an enchanter. He got up from the rock floor of his cave high up in the mountains and went to brew a pot of tea using his copper kettle that was dangling from an iron hook over his fire. He used a stick and added some moss to get the fire going again after it had burned down during the night. He rolled his eyes when he heard voices outside the cave calling hello to each other. He had lived alone until a group of hermits took over the mountain and formed a commune of sorts. Normally the hermits lived by themselves except for when they congregated and discussed things like men's hairstyles and hairdressing. It had gotten so bad that Tim was considering moving away and finding another mountain.

Finally, after brewing and drinking a cup of tea, putting on his robe and ram horn skullcap and grabbing his magickal staff, he headed out of his cave to begin his day. He stood on the wide ridge that surrounded the mouth of his cave and stretched. He looked up and waved to God who was a huge cartoon deity wearing a crown that peered out of a large hole in the clouds.

"Good morning, God," Tim said.

"Good morning," God said with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Tim asked.

"It's all this killing that's done in my name; it's really getting me down. Not to mention these weird monks down here that are walking around chanting and smacking themselves in the head with wooden boards. What's going on? When I created the world, I wanted everyone to know that I loved them unconditionally and that's it and now there are a zillion different religions and half of them have loony practices. Did I do something wrong?"

Tim shrugged.

"Don't ask me, I'm just an enchanter."

"Oh, yeah," God said. "Well, I s'pose I could find someone and give him a quest so I can have something to watch besides Eastenders and quiz shows. Hullo…I think I found someone. I'll talk to you later. And remember, I'm watching you!"

Heavenly music boomed down from the clouds as the clouds closed up the hole and hid God's face. Tim shook his head.

"Weirdo," he muttered as he headed down the hill.

"So…" Arthur said to David as they skipped along. "Where shall we find this shrubbery to appease the Knights of Ni?"

"Arthur!" a voice said in a deep, booming voice that echoed all over the forest.

Arthur was startled and looked back at Sir Lancelot.

"Yes?" he said.

"I didn't say anything, my liege," he said to him.

"Oh, I coulda sworn that was your voice."

He was looking straight at him when he heard his name being called again.

"That's impressive, Lancelot, you said my name without even opening your mouth."

"I didn't say your name, ya stupid git!" Lancelot said angrily.

"UP HERE, YA BERK!"

Everyone froze and looked up at God who was peering down at them from his cloud window.

"Finally, what do I have to do to get your attention around here?" he asked.

He rolled his eyes when everyone except David and Tara fell to one knee.

"Now what are you doing?"

"Worshipping you, oh Lord," Arthur said.

"Get up! One thing I can't stand is people groveling."

"Sorry," Arthur said.

"And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy. What are you doing now?" he said as everyone except David and Tara lowered their heads.

"Averting my eyes, oh Lord," Arthur said.

God looked at David and Tara.

"And you actually wanna travel with these people?" he said to them.

"Um, we have no choice," David said. "We're searching for a way to get her TARDIS back."

"Well you can stop now. I have a new quest for you. The quest for the Holy Grail."

"The Holy Grail? Saint's be praised!" Arthur said.

"Excuse me, I wasn't speaking to you, you wanker," God said, glaring at him.

He turned his attention back to David and Tara.

"I saw that," he said to Arthur when Arthur tried to secretly flip him off. "Anyway, David and Tara, you have been charged by me to go and find the Holy Grail. That is now your quest, not searching for this TARDIS thing-a-ma-bobby."

"But…" Tara said.

"No buts or I shall condemn you to hellfire! Find me this grail!"

"Why?" David asked.

"Because I lost my roadrunner glass and I want a drink of water," God said. "Now go and find it! I have spoken!"

Angelic music filled the air as the clouds slowly filled the hole and God disappeared.

"Great, now what do we do?" David asked.

"You must obey the lord, your God, and find the Holy Grail!" Arthur said.

"Yes, but you're s'posed to do it!" David protested. "We're just along for the ride."

"Then we shall follow you, brave knights, and help you as you seek the grail."

David sighed and shrugged as he looked at Tara.

"Okay, so we find the grail then. Do you know where it might be?" David asked Arthur.

"How should I know?" Arthur said. "Why are you asking me? I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

There was a jarring sound as three men dressed in red robes and hats leaped out of the trees in front of them.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" the one in front yelled. "Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, our two chief weapons are…wait, where are you going?" he said as they skipped away. "Nobody rejects the Spanish Inquisition. Don't think we won't throw you in the comfy chair, because we will!"

He sighed when they completely ignored him and skipped away.

"Oh bugger, come on, mates. Let's go find some Jews to persecute," he said as he and his two friends walked back into the forest.

"And so," the Michael Palin voiceover said as the knights, David and Tara skipped on, "King Arthur and his knights of the round table and the two oddballs who are in charge of finding the Grail have begun their most sacred quest! A quest which shall test the very limits of their endurance, a quest which shall test the very limits of their sanity, a quest which will get loonier and loonier as time goes on if Cheri and Carol have anything to say about it. And so…huh? Oh, you got me a Subway foot long? Oh, how generous of you, you didn't have to do that. Aaaaw, you got me turkey with green peppers, onions and light mayonnaise, my favorite. Thank you. You're such a sweetheart. What's that? You want to me to come round to your place for a quick shag? Well, I'm sorta in the middle of providing this linking narration and besides, you just got me the foot long. What's that? You have a foot long of your own that I can eat and I'll like it better than Subway's foot long? Hmmmmm, very tempting. Oh…sod the narration, they're doing well enough on their own now and I have to say you are well fit and your…foot long…wait, what are you doing? You…you're disrobing right here, right now? But…that just isn't done, we're in the middle of the office, it'll cause a scandal. Think of our children, Maurice. No, don't come at me like that, with unbridled lust in your eyes and a throbbing hard on. No! Please, stay back…no, no…ooooooooooooooooooooh, Maurice…"

A narrator that sounds like John Cleese cleared his throat and took over from the other narrator who was now engaged in hot sex with Maurice in the background.

"Yes, sorry about that. My colleague is…busy at the moment. I'll be taking over for him until he recovers, whenever that happens," he muttered to himself. "Honestly, some decorum is appreciated and I really don't wanna see you two going at it on top of the table. Anyway, back to the story and the tale of King Arthur, his knights and the two other oddballs and their quest for the Holy Grail!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

David smiled while they headed through the forest then stopped at the bottom of a hill and Camelot rose like a beacon, making the knights and Arthur stop with a stunned look on their face.

"Camelot!" Arthur said with pride.

"Camelot!" Sir Bedevere said

"Camelot!" Lancelot said.

"Camelot!" Sir Galahad said.

"Camelot!" Sir Robin said.

"It's just a model," Patsy mumbled.

They ride toward the castle when the scene changes to the interior of the castle and the knights, servants, ladies of the court and peasants start singing the Knights of the Round Table song. Arthur stops while David and Tara looked at him and he frowns.

"No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place," Arthur said and they skipped down the road. After riding for a few miles, they arrive at the wall of a castle and Arthur looked up at the wall. "Hello, is anyone up there?"

"Yeah, what do you want?" a knight that looked like Michael Palin asked when he looked over the wall and Arthur shaded his eyes to see him better. Another knight that looked like John Cleese appeared and looked down at them then looked at the other knight, scratching the top of his head.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons. My knights and I are on a quest for the Holy Grail. Go tell your master, if he will give us shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest."

"We'd love to but he doesn't allow people inside unless they can answer one question."

"Is it what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" David asked as he walked closer and the knights looked at each other.

"How did he know?" the knight that looked like Michael Palin asked and the knight that looked like John Cleese shrugged.

"I thought it was a sparrow," Tara said, looking at David.

"Yeah, a lot of people get confused," David said.

"I never did understand that bit."

"I never got it either."

"Oi, do you know the answer or not?" the knight that looked like Michael Palin asked.

"Do you know the answer?" David asked.

"Um, no, we don't," the knight that looked like John Cleese said, shaking his head.

"Then we best be going," Arthur said as they skipped away and the two knights shrugged, ducking down behind the wall.

The Doctor sat on the lounge while his puppies, Elizabeth and Anne, slept near the lounge and he read a book. He turned the page when Alan and Adam walked closer and stood near the lounge. He raised his sunglasses when he looked at them and blinked.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?" he asked.

"Brother, Adam needs your help with something," Alan said when his teacup Chihuahua, Speck, walked to him and Alan's eyes went wide. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, there's my little chewie wooie!"

"What's wrong?" the Doctor asked while Alan picked Speck up and rocked her in his arms, smiling at her.

"Who's Daddy's little snuggly buggly?!" Alan asked, tickling Speck's stomach and Adam rolled his eyes.

"You remember my friend, David?" Adam asked. The Doctor had met David when Adam brought David to Nova and he nodded. "Well, I was looking the files in my computer and found this." Adam handed him the papers when the Doctor started reading them then looked at Adam with a concerned look on his face..

"Is this for real?!" he asked.

"Yep, David and Tara took her TARDIS for a ride and, now, they're lost on…"

"They're lost on the Planet Python?!"

"Is that even a real planet?" Alan asked.

"Yes, it is."

"But, if it's based on what I think it is, it can't be a dangerous place," Adam said with a smile.

"Oh, it can be a very dangerous place. Now, you said this was on your computer. Do you know why you wrote it?"

"No, I have no clue," Adam said, shaking his head and the Doctor sighed.

"Where is the rest of it?"

"It's on my computer."

"Let's go," the Doctor said when he got off of the lounge and they headed for the house.

The fire flickered while the knights rested on the ground and Arthur stood near the trees. David was lying on his back under a tree while Tara snuggled against him and her head rested on his chest.

"It's funny listening to someone with only one heartbeat," she said and he smiled at her.

"Does your boyfriend have two hearts?" he asked.

"No, he has one heart but…"

"But what?"

"Sorry, I was just remembering what it was like when I was a kid and would snuggle with my dad back when he…when he looked like you," she said and he nodded. "Are you sure you should be lying on the ground? Uncle Adam told me about your back."

"No, it's ok. My back's fine," David said.

"He said that you made a great Hamlet."

"Yeah, I really enjoyed doing that play."

"What other Shakespeare plays have you done?"

"I've done As You Like It, Edward III, The Comedy of Errors, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer's Night Dream, Love's Labor's Lost and King Lear, though that one I got a really bad review. I nearly quit acting because of it."

"Guess it's a good thing you didn't or you would never played your dream role."

"Yep," he said, popping the "p". Yawning, he closed his eyes then drifted off to sleep and Tara smiled, moving her head to his shoulder and held his hand to his chest. Watching him sleep, she gently kissed his cheek and he smiled, wrapping his arm around her.

Tara had drifted off to sleep just before the fire died when they were awaken by the sound of trumpets and opened their eyes. The cartoon sun with large beams sticking out of it started rising to the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey when the cartoon sun bounced up and down to the drums then popped up into the sky and they looked at each other.

"We REALLY have to get out of here!" David said and she nodded.

Arthur led the way when a gunshot rang out and Concorde, the man who was Lancelot's horse, fell to the ground. Tara, David, Arthur and the knights ran to the bushes while Lancelot looked down at Concorde and sighed.

"Oh, brave Concorde, do not worry. I shall avenge thee!" he said while Concorde, who had only suffered a scratch from the bullet, looked up at him, blinked and tried to sit up.

"Uh, no, that's ok. I don't need avenging," he said.

"No, I must or you would have died in vain!"

"It's just a scratch."

"Enough! I shall go and find the foul villain who has cut you down in the prime of life!"

"No, really, I'm fine!"Concorde said but Lancelot ran off into the wood and Concorde shrugged then stood up. He took two steps when a runaway cart slammed into him and he flew into the air. He landed with a loud crunch on the ground as they walked over to him and Tara knelt down.

"He's dead," she said when Arthur and the knights knelt down to pray and she stood up, holding onto David.

"Hold on, who shot him?" David asked.

"That would be me!" a voice said and they turned, looking at the sight of a masked highwayman sitting on a white horse and David rolled his eyes.

"No, not him," David said softly as the horse came closer and the highwayman held his pistol in his right hand.

"Stand and deliver!" the highwayman said, pointing his pistol at David.

"We don't have any money," Arthur said as the highwayman pointed his pistol at him.

"You don't?" the highwayman moaned.

"Not a sausage," David said and the highwayman sighed.

"Here, you can have these then," he said when he removed a bundle of flowers from his cloak and handed them to Tara before riding off.

"What are these?" she asked.

"They're lupins. He stole them from the rich then gave them to the poor until this poor farmer told him to go steal better stuff," David said when she shrugged then laid then on Concorde's body and they skipped away.

"Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the land. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, without a merry band. He rode onto the set of the wrong skit. Stupid git!" the off screen singers sang when Dennis stopped his horse and looked into the air.

"That wasn't very nice," he said with a pout then rode off and the off screen singers blew raspberries at him.


End file.
